Aug 27, 2011
This one in just today:
Naked guy says to his wife, “Look at my big clock.”
She says, “That’s not a clock.”
He says, “It will be when you put two hands and a face on it...”
Women are like hurricanes because after they start out wet
and wild and in the end they take your house and car.
Julia Gillard is touring the countryside in a chauffeur-driven car.
Suddenly, a cow walks out onto the road, they hit it full on and
the car comes to a stop. Julia in her usual uncharming manner,
says to the chauffeur: "Get out and check - you were driving."
The chauffeur gets out, checks and reports that the animal is
dead. "You were driving, go and tell the farmer," says Julia.
Five hours later, the chauffeur returns totally plastered, hair
ruffled with a big grin on his face. “My god, what happened to
you?” asks Julia. The chauffeur replies: “When I got there, the
farmer opened his best bottle of malt whisky, the wife gave me
a slap-up meal and the daughter made love to me.”
“What on earth did you tell them?” asks Julia.
"I’m Julia Gillard's chauffeur and I've just killed the cow.”
Little girl and the builders:
A young family moved into a house next door to a
vacant lot. One day a construction crew turned up
to start building a house on the empty lot.
The family's 5-year-old daughter naturally took an
interest in all the activity going on next door and
started talking with the workers. She hung around
and eventually the construction crew, all of them
gems-in-the-rough, more or less adopted her as a
kind of project mascot. They chatted with her, let
her sit with them while they had coffee and lunch
breaks, and gave her little jobs to do here and
there to make her feel important. At the end of the
first week, they presented her with a pay envelope
containing a dollar. The little girl took this home to
her mother who said all the appropriate words of
admiration and suggested that they take the dollar
she had received to the bank the next day to start
a savings account. When they got to the bank, the
teller was equally impressed with the story and
asked the little girl how she had come by her very
own pay cheque at such a young age. The little girl
proudly replied, "I worked all last week with the
construction crew building a house."
"My goodness gracious," said the teller, "and will
you be working on the house again this week, too?
The little girl replied... "I will if those useless cu*ts
at Bunnings ever deliver us the f*cking gyprock."
This stuff from women:
Out bicycling one day with my eight-year-old granddaughter, Carolyn, I got a
little wistful. “In ten years,” I said, “You'll want to be with your friends and you
won't go walking, biking, and swimming with me like you do now.” Carolyn
shrugged. “In ten years you'll be too old to do all those things anyway.”
Working as a paediatric nurse, I had the difficult assignment of giving
immunization shots to children... One day, I entered the examining
room to give four-year-old Lizzie her needle. “No, no, no!” she screamed.
“Lizzie,” scolded her mother, “That's not polite behaviour.” With that, the
girl yelled even louder, “No, thank you! No, thank you!”
How about some Irish:
What's the difference between an Irish funeral and
an Irish wedding? One less drunk.
How many Irishmen does it take to screw in a light-bulb?
Four - 1 to hold the bulb and three to drink til the room spins!!
Irish Alzheimers: You forget everything but the grudges!
How can you spot an Irish man in a topless bar?
He's the one who's there to drink.
O'Connell was staggering home with a pint of booze in his back pocket
when he slipped and fell heavily. Struggling to his feet, he felt something
wet running down his leg. "Please, God," he implored, "let it be blood!"
Kings Court girls: Things of note!!
Claudia and Monica, Spanish beauties NEW
Louise Leaving on Tues.
Rose-Maree and Penny, Pretty girls will also be leaving soon.
The winner of the double massage this week is: RED D 51
Wednesday, 6 th July 2011 A-39 Purple
Wednesday, 13th July 2011 A-80 Orange
Wednesday, 20th July 2011 A-98 Blue
Wednesday, 27th July 2011 A-16 Purple
Wednesday, 3rd August 2011 C-71 Red
Wednesday, 10th August 2011 E-24 Orange
Wednesday, 17th August 2011 E-40 Purple
Wednesday, 24th August 2011 D-51 Red
See all the winning results at: http://www.kingscourt.com.au/happy-ending-news
“Happy Ending News” is now up to date!
Kings Court – Busty List - These are genuine and real:
Busty and shapely: Monica, Alicia, Isabelle, Yuki and Erica - Japanese
Extra Busty and Shapely: Helena, Bianca (breastacular,)
Zoe and Czech girl: Raquel. Restart Louise !!
Tiny Girls Extreme Busty: Josie, Melanie
The Kings Court Massage “Whole List” refreshed on Thurs 25.8.11
Asian ladies are presented in green !!!!
Alana, Attractive, Fun and English Very Very Busty and Friendly Holidays to 2nd Sept !!
Alicia, mostly days, busty Aussie, likes to wear sexy themed outfits - Affectionate.!
Amber, blonde slim becoming less shy university student in her mid twenties – very attentive
Arn, Japanese slightly older and very attentive.
Ashley, qualified masseuse very friendly
Bianca Lovely girl – very pretty and busty BREASTACULAR!!, exotic looks.
Cara, Indonesian, slim shy pretty
Crystal, Blonde Aussie Sat only NEW
Claudia and Monica, Spanish beauties, evenings 3 shifts a week NEW
Cleo, Thai, tall slim pretty
Erica, Japanese very pretty and young. Busty and back this weekend
Eve, Petite Australian cute, pretty
Faith, Tall BLACK Marutian
Gina, young blonde German, bubbly personality Popular
Helena, busty DD European redhead
Holly pretty young blonde Aussie NEW
Isabelle, Busty DD personable brunette Aussie. Great fun in the spa !!!!
Jordan, Slim Aussie from Eurasian background. Pretty and Personable. Fairly small.
Josie Busty pretty Asian. Petite yet busty. Very good masseuse Back from Holidays !!
Julie, Slim young Indonesian
Kelly, Slim dark Indonesian.
Kim, Slim attractive Asian. Quite Beautiful
Kylie, Pretty German incredibly beautiful eyes Only 9am to 12 noon Wed, Fri and Sat
Lee, Slim beautiful Korean who loves it here. NEW and full of life!!
Lilly, Pretty slender American/Italian very sweet little thing. Already very popular. NEW !!
Louise, Restart - This English lady is very shapely and our first “G” size bust.
Mari JAPANESE very sweet and shapely girl. Gone OS will call.
Melanie, Prettiest big bust on the prettiest little cute girl. Back again Woo hoo !!
Monica and Claudia, Spanish beauties, evenings 3 shifts a week NEW
Mya, Energetic and friendly and very attractive Asian Only Mondays now.
Nadia, Pretty Slovakian with good massage. On holidays until to late Sept.
Natalie, Pretty Aussie/European brunette Holidays until end September !!
Penny, Pretty redhead. Very attentive nice girl was Hannah before.
Racquel, Busty Blonde, CZECH size 12 friendly, busty and gives a very good massage.
Rosemaree, Slim Aussie blonde. Very Blonde and very Pretty leaving soon.
Sandy, Japanese sweet and petite, very nice girl. Away on holidays
Stacey Tall Aussie slim and popular
Valeska, Slim Gothic.
Vivian, Japanese very pretty and shapely. NEW
Yasmin German/Aussie brunette very pretty and very popular
Yuki, Busty and beautiful Japanese fairly good English NEW
Everyone knows someone who should know about Kings Court !!!
Captain Jack – Iko Iko:
Sailor Moon – Iko Iko:
Zideko Version – Iko Iko:
Dixie Cups – Iko Iko (rare clip)
Very zippy version with Pirates of Caribbean film clips:
IKO IKO - meaning of the real words and their origin
Iko Iko – People have fun with stuff they don’t even understand:
Robert Palmer - Simply Irresistible
Robert Palmer - Simply Irresistible - Pepsi
Strange stuff from (Movie) Delicatessen:
City of lost children – very strange:
Joke of the Future:
The year is 2222 and Mike and Maureen go on Mars for a holiday. They meet a
Martian couple and are talking about all sorts of things. The Martian stock market,
computers and how they make money, etc. Finally, Maureen brings up the subject
of sex. “Just how do you guys do it?” asks Maureen. The Martian responds, “Pretty
much the way you do.” A discussion ensues and finally the couples decide to swap
partners for the night and experience one another... Maureen and the male Martian
go off to a bedroom where the Martian strips. He's got only a teeny, weenie member
about half an inch long and just a quarter-inch thick “I don't think this is going to work,”
says Maureen. “Why?” he asks. “What's the matter?” “Well,” she replies, 'it's just not
long enough to reach me!” “No problem,” he says, and proceeds to slap his forehead
with his palm. With each slap of his forehead, his member grows until it's quite
impressively long. “Well,” she says, “That's quite impressive, but it is still narrow.”
“No problem,” he says, and starts pulling his ears. With each pull, his member grows
wider and wider until the entire measurement is extremely exciting to the woman.
“Wow!” she exclaims, as they fell into bed and made mad passionate love.
The next day the couples rejoin their other partners and go their separate ways. As they
walked along, Mike asks, “Well, was it any good?” “I hate to say it,” says Maureen, “but
it was wonderful. How about you?” “It was horrible,” he replies. “All I got was a headache
. . . . She kept slapping my forehead and pulling my ears!”
An elderly man in Mumbai calls his son in New York and says, “I hate to ruin your
day son, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are getting a divorce; 35
years of marriage... and that much misery is enough!” “Dad, what are you talking
about?” the son screams. “We can't stand the sight of each other any longer,” the
old man says. “We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you
call your sister in Hong Kong and tell her!” Frantic, the son calls his sister, who
explodes on the phone. “Like heck they're getting divorced,” she shouts, “I'll take
care of this.” She calls Mumbai immediately, and screams at the old man, “You are
not getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my
brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing, DO
YOU HEAR??” and she hangs up. The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his
wife. “Okay,” he says, “It's all set. They're both coming for Deepavali and paying their
I found the following drivel and I guess it represents what the Internet is all about.
It goes on to the end of the email if you only want to read a bit of it:
rom: Paul Byrnes 21/06/99 17:39:47
Subject: Keeping cats out of a garden post id: 18779
Does anyone know of a simple method of deterring domestic cats from an area? We
have established a native garden around out house in Horsham, with lots of
bird attracting plants, however very few birds use the garden. The lack of
birds is due to the large number of cats in the local area, which hunt the
birds. Have you any ideas how to keep cats out of our garden?
From: Bruce 21/06/99 17:49:21
Subject: re: Keeping cats out of a garden post id: 18781
The cats where I live have a real problem with mothballs, and tend to avoid them. Put one or two in the places where they seem most interested. It doesn't seem to have hurt the plants any.
From: Di 21/06/99 17:49:57
Subject: re: Keeping cats out of a garden post id: 18782
Cat's don't like citrus. Lemon or orange peel maybe?
From: Todd Collins 21/06/99 20:06:11
Subject: re: Keeping cats out of a garden post id: 18803
Cats also don't like lead. A .22 is effective, but for a tremendous feeling of personal satisfaction a more powerful rifle can be used if you want...
From: Steve(primus) 21/06/99 23:15:30
Subject: re: Keeping cats out of a garden post id: 18824
A lot of personal satisfaction is gained from using half bricks. I've already put two local moggies in the garbage after direct hits - but a close call tends to deter them. I was having trouble keeping them off a newly planted bed in the front til a friend suggested pepper. A liberal sprinkling of el cheapo jhome brand white pepper and the flower bed wasn't touched again.
From: Courtney 22/06/99 8:18:20
Subject: re: Keeping cats out of a garden post id: 18842
I really hope you are talking about feral cats and not some little kid's treasured cat.
From: Steve(primus) 22/06/99 10:41:13
Subject: re: Keeping cats out of a garden post id: 18852
Courtney, if it's in my garden, it's feral. If people treasure the revolting things, they should look after them.
From: Super Elmo 22/06/99 10:47:22
Subject: re: Keeping cats out of a garden post id: 18853
Hmm, I agreee wif Steve(primus) that if the cat is in my yard, it is feral, and therefore (and in regard to NSW law, you have the right) to remove that thing with any force. If it attacks you, you have the right to dispose of it humanely..... Well that's what I read in a paper sometime last year, neways..... But still it sld not be out of it's owners yard, you can't just let your dog loose round the neighborhood.
From: Courtney 22/06/99 20:07:47
Subject: re: Keeping cats out of a garden post id: 19071
So if I lived in NSW and my neighbour's dog jumped the fence into my yard, I'm allowed to shoot it?
Pity we can't do that to the charmers who break in to other people's houses...
From: Steve(primus) 22/06/99 20:48:08
Subject: re: Keeping cats out of a garden post id: 19075
No, you can't shoot it Courtney, you are not allowed to discharge a firearm in your backyard. With a dog, you can call the council and have it removed. Dogs are registered animals and therefore have registeed owners who can be forced to control them. Cats, on the other hand, are not registered and except in a very few exceptional council areas, are not cotrolled at all. The lyrebirds in Sherbrooke Forest near Melbourne are only recovering because the council compels people to lock their cats up at night - and kills any it finds loose. I have a tiny backyard in the inner west of Sydney but get regular visits from willy wagtails, superb blue wrens, rainbow lorikeets and various honeyeaters. There are also many small lizards in the rocks and bricks. Any cat that comes into the garden is a dangerous predator, and I will expel it with any force I think fit. The burglars don't kill the birds.
From: Di 22/06/99 22:02:44
Subject: re: Keeping cats out of a garden post id: 19084
No, they only kill you...
From: Cam (Avatar) 23/06/99 10:44:26
Subject: re: Keeping cats out of a garden post id: 19110
I’ll preface this comment with the disclaimer that I’m not a lawyer. But I recently had cause to check out the legal situation in relation to a neighbour’s pet animals becoming a nuisance. I’m working from memory here, but I’ll check my references later. If I find that I’ve suffered a significant memory failure, I’ll let you know.
You’re on shaky legal ground if you wilfully damage anyone’s property. This includes their animals, whether or not the animals are on your property or not. Although you do have a right to use reasonable force to defend yourself if an animal attacks you. If you kill someone’s animal while it is not a threat to you (even if it’s a nuisance); they can take legal action against you.
In most states, if an animal strays onto your property, you can’t (legally) shoot it. You can’t do much more than asking them to remove it. However, if the animal has caused damage to your property, you can capture and hold it (to ransom) up to a maximum of four days. You are obliged to treat the animal humanely, feed and water it while it is in your care. If the dispute with the animal’s owner isn’t settled within the 4-day period, you must return the animal to it’s owner, or take it to the RSPCA.
There are a whole lot of other rules relating to animals, but the gist of it is that there are legal remedies to problems with neighbours’ animals, which avoid cruelty and violence. If you stray outside those legal boundaries you could leave yourself vulnerable to a lawsuit, or worse - a criminal charge. Even though you think the removal of introduced predators puts you on high moral ground, be prepared for a slap in the face. The law courts don’t recognise or condone “vigilante” defenders of native wildlife.
From: Steve(primus) 23/06/99 11:05:22
Subject: re: Keeping cats out of a garden post id: 19115
Point taken Cam, I'll replace the half bricks with something softer - give the pests a scare without hurting them. But, if all the cat lovers out there took care of their wretched animals and stopped them coming into my garden, there wouldn't be a problem. If people can't control their beasts, they shouldn't own them.
Lovely story in the SMH today, the number of cats in Sydney has fallen and is expected to halve within a few years. People are beginning to realise that owning a roaming cat is becoming unacceptable these days.
From: Spun 23/06/99 11:16:31
Subject: re: Keeping cats out of a garden post id: 19121
I always thought that farmers were legally allowed to shoot stray dogs that threaten livestock. Not really applicable to cats and gardens I know.
From: Super Elmo 23/06/99 11:50:25
Subject: re: Keeping cats out of a garden post id: 19126
A farm isn't really a urban backyard is it now? :-P~ Oooops there is that tounge again, Doh~
From: Spun 23/06/99 14:02:37
Subject: re: Keeping cats out of a garden post id: 19178
A farm isn't really a urban backyard is it now?
I know that, I was just responding to what Cam said
In most states, if an animal strays onto your property, you can’t (legally) shoot it. You can’t do much more than asking them to remove it.
so :-P~ to you to!
From: Courtney 23/06/99 17:29:43
Subject: re: Keeping cats out of a garden post id: 19323
Fair enough, Steve. Unfortunately, I don't get that many birds in my garden, because I live near the beach, and because there are hardly any native trees left in my area. I realise cats are dangerous to native species, but I have seen many more squished native animals on roads than I have in my backyard. Humans do a LOT more damage to their environment, so vilifying cats just seems a little hypocritical of those that wish to rid the world of them...
From: Steve(primus) 23/06/99 19:56:05
Subject: re: Keeping cats out of a garden post id: 19375
Courtney, there are 2.6 million domestic cats in Sydney. If each one kills two native birds or animals a year, (and most would kill that number a week) that's more than 5 million fewer birds and animals a year in Sydney alone. Even humans don't destroy that much wildlife in the city - if they did, the outcry would be heard from here to Perth. The sooner laws come in to control cats the better.
From: Daryn Voss 23/06/99 20:27:44
Subject: re: Keeping cats out of a garden post id: 19381
I have a question.
Horses were domesticated as work animals. Dogs were domesticated as hunting animals. Cattle were domesticated for milk and meat, as well as for work.
Why, oh why, were cats domesticated? They seem to be completely indifferent to our success as a species. "Indifferent" seems too mild a word. They seem totally indifferent, contemptuous and disdainful towards our success as a species.
From: Di 23/06/99 20:32:47
Subject: re: Keeping cats out of a garden post id: 19383
Mine gives me cuddles. I think that is worth it. They also catch mice which some might not condone but i would rather a mouse in my cats mouth to one in my crunchy nut corn flakes box.
From: Daryn Voss 23/06/99 20:53:21
Subject: re: Keeping cats out of a garden post id: 19392
That's it! I'm going to breed killer mice.
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